GARTH CROOKS
When Garth Crooks took the very dishonourable third spot in a recent poll for TV’s most pitiful sports pundits, one voter put it like this: “He delivers the simplest question with an absurdly portentous air designed to draw attention to what he imagines to be his fabulous intellect. He speaks as if delivering the Sermon on the Mount!” And another “Can anyone serve up a banality as po-faced and pretentiously as Garth Crooks. He has made a fine art of frowning and nodding as though contemplating the finer points of relativity”.
We couldn’t put it better ourselves. No really, we couldn’t and that’s why we put them in (you’re fired - Ed). With Garth it’s not so much what he says, although that’s usually crap but it’s the way he says it. Slow, slow, quick-quick, slow, long pauses as if we’re hanging on his every word, full blown emphasis AT the wrong time, that bug-eyed stare at the end of the, err, sort of, comment, and his almost spherical head - he’s a stinker alright.
MOTD 19/02/06
TO MIKAH RICHARDS (after he uttered the dreaded ‘f’ word)
Well you’re a young lad and this is going to a national audience so be careful what you say.
Ed’s note: Yes sir, Mr Crooks Sir, sorry Sir
MOTD 23/03/06
ON SEAN WRIGHT PHILLIPS FALLING OVER STEVE ELLIOT
Crooks: If you make contact it’s a contact sport the we have to leave it to the referee to make a decision whether he’s bookable or not. If there’s NO contact it’s a different keddler fish. Now Sean’s gonna pace here……e ely err err Elliott does very very well here umm
Ray Stubbs: He’s trying to get out of the way
Crooks: ee ee ee joins out of the way but I think el err Sean’s gonna get contact here but he doesn’t get contact and the gate opens and ‘n’e, ‘n’e, ‘n’e goes through the gate.
ON CHELSEA BEING DISLIKED
Ginjamaboo Manchester United weren’t liked when they were winning everything. Leeds unner unner un teams like were not were unpopular itsa itsa buajama win
Ed’s note: That’s what it sounded like anyway.
ON DROGBA FINAL SCORE 25/03/06
To Lee Dixon
Graham, I’ll just say a quick word about handball. I don’t think that Drogba has answered his critics. Don’t confuse scoring goals and diving. It’s not his bit doosa different things. He’ll answer his critics if he stops diving. I don’t I don’t I don’t doubt his ability as a as a goalscorer (looks away with finger on cheek, a la Larry Grayson)
Lee Dixon: Just before he scored his first goal
Garth (Interrupting forcefully): I don’t doubt his ability as a goalscorer. I do err itsus critics integrity when when he’s going past players he’s going down like a dying swan!
Lee Dixon: That’s a good word.
MOTD 2 – 02/04/06
Adrian Chiles: In a word, can Man Utd catch Chelsea?
Garth: Yeah.
Gavin Peacock: Can, but they wont.
Garth: That’s two!
Ed: And so on. But Sidenetting is the first to acknowledge that a naked transcription doesn’t do justice to the Crooks experience. It can’t show the trademark ‘chopping hand in palm’ motion or the schoolmaster pointy-finger bit, it can’t show the oppressive ‘everyone listen to me’ interruptions and it can’t show the brick in your hand as your throw it towards the TV screen. Get off. Just get off. |
