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ISSUE 2

Once again, we have nothing whatsoever on ex-players because we haven’t done anything about it yet. It was a good idea at the time but it means we have to write letters and stuff; go see those ex players mad enough to see us…and it’s cold, so that one might be ditched in favour of a regular feature on Keggy Keegle or something.

So instead, here’s a colourful rant on the hot topic of the day - the state of Chelsea’s pitch and the introduction of the pink card!

So who is it that runs world football and therefore is responsible for the rule changes undertaken each and every season? Ex-Footballers? Managers? Supporters? Hell, no. The ranks of football's world governing body, FIFA, are drawn from a motley bunch of ex-politicians and bureaucrats, well heeled and well steeled in the art of big business and diplomacy. Ditto for the European equivalent UEFA. Caring more about their own fiefdoms they seek to preserve their privileges and power at any cost. Every year these men (and yes, they are always men despite the fact that football is know played by 30 million women each of whom no doubt enamoured by Sepp Blatter’s suggestion that female players wear tighter shorts to promote "a more female aesthetic"!) gather at one of the world’s fleshpots, drink vast amounts of Dom Perignon whilst having their toes sucked and decide on ways to tweak the rules of the game with the seeming intention of confusing the hell out of players and officials so that the first few months of the proceeding season degenerates into chaos thus precipitating another all considerable expenses paid meeting for these men at another of fleshpots etc. etc. ad infinitim, (nice work if you can get it, ed.).

There are many supporters, players and officials who believe the maxim if it ain’t broke don’t fix it and certainly there is a lot of evidence to back this up. For example, the FIFA rules regarding off-side are now so complicated that it is not just your mother who is confused. Clearly the rules regarding offside should never have been changed. Sod all this “interfering with play” nonsense. If a player is off-side, he is off-side. Period.  At the risk of sounding like an old footballing duffer, if a player isn’t interfering with play what is he doing on the pitch? (Click on FIFA’s interactive explanation here http://www.fifa.com/en/regulations/regulation/0,1584,3,00.html for a good giggle!!).

However there is always room for changes to the laws of the game. Below is the first of regular suggestions as to how the game could be improved by implementing changes to existing laws and the addition of new rules.


INTRODUCTION OF THE PINK CARD

The old yellow card/red card punishment is no longer sufficient in these days of diving, play-acting, happy-slapping and God knows what else. Therefore we suggest the introduction of the pink card. This is to be issued to any player whose conduct is deemed by the official to be in any way gay (and before this site is inundated with outraged emails containing accusations of homophobia, this use of the gay word is done so in the most modern sense, i.e. the definition as reclaimed by the homosexual community in much the same way the black community has reclaimed the “n” word  - no sorry big fat Ron, that doesn’t include you!).  A player is shown the pink card if he commits any of the following offences:

1. Does a Pires/Robben/Ronaldo, and “dives” even though he has not been touched by the opposing player.

2. Does a Drogba and despite having been fairly challenged by a defender, the player throws himself into a complicated back flip with a 1/2 twist into a front flip with a 1/2 twist or any other maneuver that is more suited to floor gymnastics.

3. Does a Rivaldo/Robben/Bilic and throws himself to the floor holding his face as if shot when in reality no contact was made to his face.

4. Squares up to another player, face-to-face, or chest-to-chest when they have absolutely no intention of actually twatting the player.

5. Runs out on the pitch wearing an alice-band.

6. Does anything which reminds anyone of Robbie Savage.

The success of the introduction of this card will depend entirely on the crowd. Should the crowd (home and away) as one rise to their feet, make as though they are a tea-pot and in their best Kenneth Williams voice shout in unison: “Ooooooooooooooooo!”, it is possible that cheating, diving and being gay on the pitch will be eradicated from football forever.

Once a player has received five pink cards, he is duty bound to spend a night at G.A.Y. nightclub dancing to Kylie or The Cheeky Girls whilst being stripped and oiled by over-enthusiastic chickens. This is to be screened at all grounds during half-time.

There are many rules that need changing and even more that need leaving the hell alone. There is also the maddening lack of consistency among referees’ judgements. All of this is enough to make you chew your own leg off but we must remember that it’s only football… whatever.